10 Tips on How to Annoy the Stronger Player
by Baka san, 500k
A recent AGA article described problems with beginners not wanting to
take appropriate handicaps and the subsequent annoyance that the stronger
players had. Here is my advice for those beginners on MORE ways to annoy
the stronger player:
- Refuse any handicap and play to the bitter tedious end. This issue
has been explored extensively in past AGA articles. However, an even better
annoyance technique is to ask the stronger player to take a handicap. Make
sure to say something like "I've seen your game records on so-and-so-server
and I think you need some help."
- Say "Atari" with each threat to capture. This maybe can considered
some type of "psychological warfare" so it's valid in the game. This is
especially effective when threatening to capture a large group of stones
and saying "atari" for each stone in the group. In these cases vary your
voice to sound like differing personalities.
- Take a long time to make your move. Are you really sure that
you want to move there? Think it over and over no matter how simple or
wrong. Do you even really want to move? Why get the game over so quickly?
Wasting time is even more effective if you make intense looks of
concentration while "thinking". Frown a lot and finally smile and cockily
place your (hopefully stupid) move. An occasional "Hmm" or chuckle will
add to the effect. If you find it hard to drag out your move then
concentrate on the board or playing pieces. Think thoughts like "I wonder
what type of wood the board is made of?" or "Are these stones really slate?
They look like hard black plastic to me." Another good technique is to
excuse yourself during your move to use the bathroom.
- Occasionally be indecisive with your move. When you finally decide to
move, start to place your stone and then pull away to reconsider. Then
feign deep thought (see 3 above). Repeat as necessary.
- When your opponent is making their move act impatient. Look at your
watch or strum your fingers. Humming the Jeopardy theme tune off-key is
also useful.
- When your opponent finally makes his move, comment on it with
exclamation: "Ah. The Bean Frying Tesuji". If you don't know a term then
invent one. Mention that you saw the move in an 1893 issue of Go World.
Try to impress him with your knowledge of Go terms or Asian
philosophy.
- Realign the pieces at every chance. Remember: each piece must be
placed perfectly for it to count. A piece that isn't precisely centered to
within 3 Angstrom units is really not there. The best time to adjust
pieces is during your opponents move. Help their concentration by fixing
their pieces. They'll really appreciate it!
- If you somehow (by luck) manage to capture an opponents stone, make
screaming sounds to the stones as they are removed from the board. If you
find your stones almost captured, add some excitement by making them say
"Oh- no!!!" or "we're not quite dead yet!" If caught in a ladder then have
your stones scream "Run away! Run away!" This always adds a sense of
realism to any game!
- Play with the stones in the bowl. Make sure to constantly move them
around. Pick them up and drop them one by one back into the bowl. One
could even try juggling the stones to show your opponent how "skilled you
are with the stones." Better yet, put the lid on the bowl and start to
shake the bowl to make the most pleasant marimba-like sound. This adds a
festive mood to most games!
- If your opponent becomes annoyed at any of this, deny doing it while
saying "but I just wanted to learn..." Pouting or crying is sometimes
useful. Since most stronger players have the guilt to always help
beginners, this technique is sure to work.
Using these aforementioned hints should help improve your annoyance of
the better player and with a little practice, even you can give your
more-experienced opponent an "Ear Reddening Game".
